Blowjobs During The Playoffs
Dear Doc,All I want is for my girlfriend to give me a blowjob while I watch
the basketball playoffs. She keeps saying no, and I can’t seem to convince her.
Help? She gives me blowjobs everywhere else. Playoffs are almost over!-
BrianI’m all for couples throwing a change-up in their sexual routines,
but only when both are willing, eager, consensual participants. There’s something
going on inside of her mind as to why she is refusing this request. Your job is to gently
inquire about what she is thinking and find out her feelings regarding her BJ hangups. Was
she offended by your request? Does she feel objectified? Does the oral sex you both engage
in occur in different settings, times or moods? Bad memory of a previous similar
situation? Feeling resentment toward you for other things?Sometimes people
think there’s some magic phrase that gets you what you want sexually. If we break it
down, all phrases use words, and it’s the manner in which we communicate these words
that makes all the difference. Rather than trying to convince her, try listening to her.
Ask meaningful, open-ended questions that allow her to express herself and her point of
view. Ask how you can be supportive and address her needs. You may not get the Lakers game
BJ, but you will win brownie points for being a good boyfriend.
Is There Hope For Not Feeling Horny?
I feel pretty nonsexual these days. I’m stressed out with money issues, having
trouble getting erections with my wife and myself, just not feeling horny at all. I
guess I’m wondering how many people go through this and is there hope.Thanks,EricA lot of people go through sexual difficulties at some
point in their lifetime. About 43% of women and 30% of men report erectile concerns, early
ejaculation, anaorgasmia, delayed ejaculation, desire difficulties or painful sex.
Although these numbers are from a reliable Ed Laumann study in 1999, I think these numbers
are low for today because it depends on the subjective perception of what each person
considers problematic. It also changes if additional sexual difficulties are included,
such as compulsive sexual behaviors. The important thing to get from this is you’re
not alone. So many people feel as though they’re in a sexual rut. I think
you’re on the right track with what you describe as contributing reasons (stress,
money, relational issues, libido, etc.). I’m sure there are other areas that also
impact your sexual concerns.My suggestion is to do something about it. Too
many people avoid, neglect or even give up on their sex life. My advice: fight for it.
Consider seeing a sex therapist to get to the bottom of your struggles and start working
on this before the problems get worse. The longer you wait, the more difficult it may be
to work on these struggles. If there’s one thing we all have a right to, it’s sexual
pleasure and enjoyment. I hope you put your sexual health first.
Does Cheating Mean You’re A Sex Addict?
Hi Doc,Would I be a sex addict if I cheated on my girlfriend?Thanks.-AnonymousI’m the last person to ask what
constitutes a sex addict. I’m not on board the sex addiction train
because there isn’t a clear definition or clear symptoms for people to agree on.
It’s also not recognized as a mental health disorder in the Diagnostic Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders. Some feel that masturbation is a symptom of sex addiction. I
don’t. Others feel that cheating is a symptom. I don’t. Some believe that porn
use or kink/BDSM behavior is a symptom of sex addiction. I don’t. There’s no
agreement among professionals on the frequency, amount or specifics of sexual thought or
behaviors that are acceptable or problematic. That doesn’t mean I don’t think
people can express compulsive or out-of-control sexual behaviors. I think we all know that
people can struggle with sexual expression and that this can have harmful consequences.Going back to your question, cheating
is so common these days, should it really be a symptom of a sex addict? Now, that
doesn’t mean I think cheating is acceptable. Cheating is disrespectful, cowardly and
goes against my core beliefs about being honest and communicating in relationships. While
I agree there are different reasons for cheating, it’s all one big slap in the face
to the other person. If you cheat, face your fears, man up and tell your partner.
We’ve all had foot-in-mouth moments via text, but this gem on Gawker has to be one of the douchiest examples.Essentially, a dude goes out with a lady, she lets him down gently with a text, he
replies begging her to see him again and then sends his buddy a long text about how
“average” she is and how “lucky” she was to date him. Oh, and he accidentally sends that
text to his date, not to his friend. Pretty brutal. The
thing is, though, we can see it happening to us, and it’s more than likely that something
similar has happened to you, too. Tell us your biggest texting mishaps by emailing
editorial@askmen.com or responding in the comments section. We’ll publish
the funniest answers in an upcoming article.Next time, just pick up the phone.
There’s breaking news, and it’s not good news: Watching porn is bad
for you. What could be bad about a little Lawrence of a Labia or
The Wadfather? The University of Sydney found that those who have an excessive
passion for porn were more likely to have severe social and relationship
problems, and were more likely to lose their jobs and get in trouble with the law. While the research is still in the preliminary stages, the early numbers
trickling in are startling: 47% of the subjects watch between 30 minutes to three hours of
porn per day, 30% said that watching porn affected their productivity at work and 20% said
they would rather watch porn than have sex with their partner. It’s
worth noting that 85% of the people surveyed were males either married or cuffed to a
relationship. Who would have ever thought porn would come this far? Fifty
years ago it was a blessing to see a naked woman in a magazine. Nowadays, we can log on to
hundreds of websites and watch hours of smut from anywhere, all neatly organized into 200
different categories. And that’s why porn has taken us over. We’ve become
obsessed with free sex, have lost our hunger for the real thing and have been desensitized
because it’s so easily accessible. I’m still debating whether
these are bad things.
This post originally appeared on The
Good Men Project. It is unedited by AskMen.I love body hair. To me,
nothing is sexier than Burt Reynolds in all of his naked, hairy glory on a bearskin rug.
Chest hair, leg hair, facial hair… Be still, my heart! I have even come to
appreciate a dusting of back hair. Unfortunately, I live in a world that
encourages men to remove it all.Chest hair removal harkens back to ancient
Egypt, where hair removal was common to protect against fleas, lice and other
infestations. In ancient times, lack of body hair was often indicative of civility, with
ancient Greek men removing their body hair to appear more youthful and refined, and
ancient Egyptian priests practicing hair removal in order to present a pure image to their
gods.Male body hair removal
was less common in Europe, as body hair was generally accepted in early Christian Europe
and even considered lucky by certain groups, such as Jewish Europeans in the Middle Ages.
For the longest time, body hair simply wasn’t an area of concern for European men.
The influence of Europe in global fashion trends helped hairier men to be seen as sexy
throughout the 1960s and 70s.In contrast to the mild popularity of hairless
chests in American films in the 1950s, such as Marlon
Brando’s in A Streetcar Named Desire, European productions showed
masculine chests in all of their hairy glory. Sean Connery and his furry torso on the
beach in the very popular James Bond film Dr. No helped usher in a fantastically
hirsute era in which the Burt Reynoldses, Tom Sellecks and Alec Baldwins of the world
could bare their sexy man-rugs without shame.Sadly, a recent poll suggested
that these days, 49% of women prefer hairless chests. Part of me wonders how this
preference has evolved. Like many of the pressures put on women and their bodies, this
figure is undoubtedly heavily media-influenced. The late 1980s ushered in another era of
hairless chests — from the covers of Harlequin Romances to a hairless Sylvester Stallone
slugging out an equally hairless Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV, to a hairless,
shirtless and ripped Brad Pitt in
Thelma and Louise or Fight Club in the 1990s. Thus began a pervasiveness
within the media of hairlessness as the new norm. It is rare that one sees a chest these
days with much more than a treasure trail adorning it.A couple of years ago, a
friend of mine confessed to shaving his chest frequently. He said it started when he
started to read GQ and saw how different he looked from most of the men in the
magazine. He’s an attractive, muscular guy, but felt hopelessly inadequate because
of his body hair. I laughed at him at the time and made fun of him for being a
metrosexual, but looking back on the experience, I regret teasing him. His shaving
wasn’t a result of metrosexuality, but a response to the way men are now taught that
they need to look. While the media’s unrealistic expectations of women is well-known
and questioned within feminist communities, we need to also address the pressure put upon
men to look a certain way.Men shouldn’t be ashamed of their body hair,
just as women shouldn’t be ashamed that they’re not necessarily a size two.
Your body hair is a part of who you are and it’s not worth being self-conscious
about it. Whether you have a hairy chest, a hairy back, or only a patch of fuzz in the
center of your chest, you’re sexy. Nothing feels better than lying next to you and
stroking your manly chest hair.I beg the men out there to stop shaving, waxing
and plucking your excess hair. The modern media might not encourage your body hair, but it
is sexy and natural. Men need to start questioning the media’s portrayal of male
body hair and accepting themselves for who they are.
Have you ever wondered where your sexual fantasies come from and
what they mean? Why, for instance, do certain types of people or bedroom acts really turn
one man on but are completely off-putting to another? The answer may lie in the conflicts
of your psyche as well as in your childhood experiences. Here, using a combination of
research and psychological theory, we review four types of women that men commonly fantasize about and
what each of these fantasy women says about you.
Fantasy woman: dominating
It might sound gross, but if you are the youngest child in your family and you have at
least one older sister, you may be more likely to fantasize about a woman who, sexually
speaking, likes to be in the driver’s seat. In real life, too, you would be drawn
more toward a mate who is the oldest child in her family and has a younger brother, or is
simply older than you age-wise. Though this all sounds incredibly incestuous,
you have nothing to fear; research has shown that women give 40% higher ratings in terms
of how much they like a conversational partner if he is a last-born child (Ickes &
Turner, 1983). Alternatively, if your parents have a relationship in which your mom wears
the pants, you may also fantasize about dominant women because the woman-in-charge relationship
was the one that was modeled to you as a child.
Fantasy woman: model or actress
An intense desire to be with an extremely beautiful woman for her exquisite
looks rather than who she is may signal that you have narcissistic tendencies. If in real
life you refuse to date women who are not drop-dead gorgeous, the possibility that you
have a narcissistic bent to your personality goes up as this behavior suggests you may
view your attractive female companions as trophies. As a full-blown
psychological problem, a recent study reported that 7.7% of men meet the criteria for
narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) at some point in their lives (Stinson et al.,
2009), and it is estimated that up to 75% of people who suffer from this condition are men
(Source: DSM-IV-TR).
Fantasy woman: alpha female
One interpretation of repeated fantasies about an alpha female is that you are engaging in projective
identification. Not uncommon among couples, projective identification occurs when one
person projects their own fantasies or desires onto another person and the other person,
in turn, begins to behave in a way that conforms to these fantasies. For
example, if you grew up in a family where talking about money or appearing greedy in any
way was a huge taboo, you may feel badly about wanting material things. By dating or
fantasizing about a financially successful woman, however, you can have your cake and eat
it too because you don’t have to own up to being a greedy person yourself.
Projective identification may especially be at play in your fantasy life if you’ve
noticed that in your real life you tend to fall for seemingly regular women only to find
out that they turned into power-hungry animals at some point over the course of your
relationship. Fantasizing about a porn star? Find out what that says
about you, next…
You’ve already had your orgasm and you’re perfectly relaxed, but don’t fall asleep just
yet — there’s still work to be done. She’s still waiting on you to return the favor. So
as good as you may feel and as much as you may want to, now’s not the time to be
selfish. So how can you please her without spending a dog’s age doing it?
It’s simple; follow the tips below for 5 ways to satisfy her after you’ve peaked.
1- Perform cunnilingus & use your fingers
When you lick her
vagina and use your fingers to penetrate her, you’re stimulating her clitoris and
G-spot simultaneously — a very smart move. It’s a great way to satisfy her after
you’ve peaked. If you can get the right rhythm down, it shouldn’t be long before she
screams out in delight. She should already be somewhat close to orgasm if you’re at all
competent at intercourse. Give it about three to five minutes. If you were
using a condom during sex, you may be a little apprehensive about putting your mouth down
there and tasting latex. What you can do instead is use a polyurethane condom like Durex
Avanti, which has no “after” taste. If you’re feeling too lazy or
uncoordinated for oral sex, another way to achieve the same effect is to simply use your fingers
alone. Curl up behind her so you are spooning, then reach around and massage her clitoris.
Keep your face close to hers so you maintain a connection even though you’re not facing
one another.
2- Use sex toys
You can also break out a dildo or vibrator
to satisfy her after you’ve peaked. If you’re in a steady relationship, it’s always a good
idea to keep a vibrator under the bed or in a bedside drawer, so you can whip it out
within a couple of seconds. Use the vibe in a circular motion on her clitoris and, when
you start hearing some pleasant sounds emanating from her lips, repeat that motion.
Another sex toy you can use for this purpose is the penis ring. This device will
keep your waning penis awake long enough to continue intercourse for a bit. You might not
feel anything, but hey, this is about her. 3 more ways to satisfy her after
you’ve peaked…
You’ve already had your orgasm and you’re perfectly relaxed, but don’t fall asleep just
yet — there’s still work to be done. She’s still waiting on you to return the favor. So
as good as you may feel and as much as you may want to, now’s not the time to be
selfish. So how can you please her without spending a dog’s age doing it?
It’s simple; follow the tips below for 5 ways to satisfy her after you’ve peaked.
1- Perform cunnilingus & use your fingers
When you lick her
vagina and use your fingers to penetrate her, you’re stimulating her clitoris and
G-spot simultaneously — a very smart move. It’s a great way to satisfy her after
you’ve peaked. If you can get the right rhythm down, it shouldn’t be long before she
screams out in delight. She should already be somewhat close to orgasm if you’re at all
competent at intercourse. Give it about three to five minutes. If you were
using a condom during sex, you may be a little apprehensive about putting your mouth down
there and tasting latex. What you can do instead is use a polyurethane condom like Durex
Avanti, which has no “after” taste. If you’re feeling too lazy or
uncoordinated for oral sex, another way to achieve the same effect is to simply use your fingers
alone. Curl up behind her so you are spooning, then reach around and massage her clitoris.
Keep your face close to hers so you maintain a connection even though you’re not facing
one another.
2- Use sex toys
You can also break out a dildo or vibrator
to satisfy her after you’ve peaked. If you’re in a steady relationship, it’s always a good
idea to keep a vibrator under the bed or in a bedside drawer, so you can whip it out
within a couple of seconds. Use the vibe in a circular motion on her clitoris and, when
you start hearing some pleasant sounds emanating from her lips, repeat that motion.
Another sex toy you can use for this purpose is the penis ring. This device will
keep your waning penis awake long enough to continue intercourse for a bit. You might not
feel anything, but hey, this is about her. 3 more ways to satisfy her after
you’ve peaked…
For over a century, people from across the world have traveled to Indian
shores to witness the Indian rope trick. It consists of a man climbing up a rope that
disappears into the thin sky above, only to reappear minutes later from behind the crowd
to everyone’s shock and loud applause. It might not be pure coincidence,
then, that Indian men tend to have a natural knack for putting on a show. The only
rational equivalent, for the sake of my argument, to the Indian rope trick, is when an
Indian man walks into a bar, approaches a succession of gorgeous women, walks out with a
bunch of phone numbers and a girl in each arm. Yes, we’re trafficking in
generalities here. But we’re also talking about the habits and abilities of a huge
number of Indian men, so let’s dispense with the skepticism for a moment.
Here’s what you need to know about an Indian man’s dating
game.First and foremost, drop the plan. I’ve gone through my share of
endless “game plan”-oriented dating websites, books and manuals. All those got
me were nights alone at home with a beer and stale nachos from the night before. Coming back home to an empty couch on several occasions, I can assure you that plans
don’t work. Here’s why: You’ll have way too much noise bothering you
throughout your conversation. You’ll be waiting for the “supposedly”
right signals, all the while seeming nervous and insecure. Nothing could be less
attractive to a woman you meet
at a bar or club.That’s the first major difference in an Indian
man’s game. He has no plan. If you don’t believe me, look at the Indian
infrastructure. We do first, plan later. A famous quote from Indian businessman Ratan Tata
will elucidate my argument: “I don’t believe in taking the right
decisions… I take decisions and then try to make them right… So always believe in your
ability and efforts.”How would you do this? Simple. Think spontaneous,
go with the flow, make something absolutely boring exciting and pay close attention to her
mood. Let’s say you pick her up at 7:30 for a dinner and movie. Quite routine,
ordinary and run of the mill, right? Imagine instead going bowling (because you paid
attention and noticed she wasn’t that thrilled about the prospect seeing yet another
superhero movie franchise). Ever seen stars in movies pull up at the airport and book
tickets to the first plane that leaves? Do that, if you can afford it, at least once in
your life!If you’re not the adventurous sort, taking simpler steps will
give you the confidence to do something novel later. To effectively pull off the no-plan
plan is to listen very carefully to all the things she has on her bucket list. If she
doesn’t like texting, drop in at her place, call her by the large mango tree (for
the sake of argument, she has a large tree at the edge of her lawn), ask her to come out
and meet you, and take it from there. Yes, this could be construed as a glorified booty
call, but if it starts with an unexpected move, who knows where it will lead?One particular incident I can recollect from my past will elucidate this concept. So,
there we were, a bunch of friends at a big table at a pizza place. One of the girls
started horsing around with me. One thing led to another and we ended up bathing each
other with soda in clear view of the entire restaurant. It was random, spontaneous and
ballsy because she was bored of the contrived and solicitous attention of would-be
gentlemen, and I was doing something different.Secondly, women like a guy who
believes in something. It could be anything. As long as the conviction is there,
she’ll believe you. With our rich heritage and culture, Indian men have a lot going
for themselves. Usually, if used in the right dose, it can win over the most difficult
girls. Believing in something sounds simple, but when you truly ask yourself what you
believe in, you might find that it’s a route of thinking you’ve never taken
before. Know the answer to that question and take it seriously. Women will take notice,
believe me.
You guys may have seen our
AskWomen video series, where we got some real women to have some drinks and answer your
questions about whether a guy can ever get
out of the friend zone or whether size matters. Well, here’s a single
girl’s opinion on more of your questions. Check out her first column “Does Money Really
Matter?” Readers have been kept anonymous.Q: How can a
man tell when a woman has feelings for him? By this, I mean on all
levels, not only when a woman truly loves a man, but when she has a “crush” on a man, when
she has sexual desires for a man. One of my main issues with women has been knowing how
they feel as they typically are not particularly vocal about their feelings in the way
that men are.A: “People always say you should be
yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you can
know what it is even.”This is one of the Angela Chase quotes I
remember most clearly from My So-Called Life — the one that I think most
directly ties into how I feel about love and its definitions. As a corollary
to this, and to sort of answer your question (emphasis on sort of), I think that
when you are in love with someone, you just… know. Every fiber of your being knows.
You look at them and are overwhelmed with a sense of… I don’t know, goodwill
seems a silly word, but also fairly accurate. It is newness intermingled with an
inexplicable sense of familiarity, wrapped in blanket of fuzziness and pheromones. That
being said, I guess what I mean is that there aren’t really totally universal,
completely specific signs (although much of the bits documented throughout time and
literature, like “butterflies” and “heart swelling” and so on seem
to exist in all people in love). But even though it’s not easy to pinpoint the exact
symptoms that indicate that you are in love (cue symphony and cartoon hearts shooting from
eyeballs), you do know when you are. It’s faith, not science, so even
though it can’t be proven, you still know. And if you don’t know, if your
whole being isn’t contaminated with this person, if being apart from him or her
doesn’t actually sometimes physically hurt, then it might not be love. The truly f*cked up thing is that people try to put parameters on this very unwieldy
thing. They try to assign it correct timing, as if it’s something you can pencil
into your Moleskine to arrive at an appropriate date in the course of a relationship.
Especially as women, we are taught that we are not allowed to be in love with someone too
early on in a relationship, because that makes us come off as crazy and scary. And even
men don’t want to seem like wusses or whatnot by dropping the L-bomb. Which is sad,
really.Imagine if artists and poets throughout time subscribed to this modern
day school of thought. If Romeo had just been “pretty into” Juliet or Jay
Gatsby had simply sort of admired Daisy in a noncommittal way, would those stories even
have mattered? Art is full of instances of immediate love, love-at-first-sight,
irrational, overtaking, crazy love. That’s what makes it beautiful. I think maybe what people don’t understand is that the love you feel in the very
beginning is amazing, but it’s not the same as the deep love that only appears after
time, and even this deep love continues to deepen and grow and change over the course of a
relationship. Or as my pal and fellow Cultist Jane puts it “I’m always
discovering new ways of being close and intimate, and I wish there were more ways to say
‘I love you’ that could represent the evolution of my love.” (Gross right? But also
awesome). Love is not a fixed state, it is a spectrum, but that doesn’t mean the
beginning bit is any less valid.I’ve meandered a bit (a lot) off topic
here, so let me try to rein it in and answer your question. As you’ve pointed out,
women are not particularly vocal about their feelings early on (although I don’t
think men are either), and it’s because they don’t want to put themselves out
there too early and risk “scaring off” a man. Which is completely silly
really, because if you tell someone you love him or her and it scares them off, you did
yourself a favor and saved yourself a lot of trouble. So if you love a woman, and sense
that she loves you, tell her. Make her feel comfortable. It doesn’t always take
months or years to know you love someone; sometimes it takes days, or even hours. And
that’s OK. But if you do still feel too uncomfortable addressing early
love with your lady, you can try what my pal Mish did when she and her boyfriend said
“I love you” too fast: they swapped in the phrase “Happy Birthday”
instead, and to this day they still say it to each other. So even if you say “I
heart you” or “pickle juice” or “fuck off” in its place,
know that it’s still there, and instead of worrying about its early arrival,
remember how lucky you are that it ever arrived at all.
The children
woke at 6:45 this morning. There was some hand-to-hand combat. I made them hot chocolate,
but it boiled over and flooded the stove while I was busy trying to staunch
somebody’s screams. A couple of times, I turned bright purple and did my Robert De
Niro in Taxi Driver impression on a terrified child. All this happened before
8:00 a.m. Every now and then I got a quiet moment to reflect that most of my neighbors
were asleep, unless our screams had woken them (it was a public holiday here in France,
where I live). It was a worse morning than usual, but the kind that happens about once a
week. One thing keeps me going during moments like this: the hope that my adult life will
have a third act of total freedom. I suspect that most modern
fathers share this fantasy.Act One of our adult life was freedom. The
second act is fatherhood-plus.
This is the phase that sociologists now call “the rush hour of life,” when the
typical parent’s career peaks just as his children are small. Our generation of
fathers is the most overburdened in history. When I was a child in Britain in the
mid-1970s, the average employed British father had a magnificent 15 minutes of contact
with his children each day. Last I checked, the figure was two hours.Of
course, most mothers do much more childcare than fathers, but we are probably busier, all
told, because we typically spend longer at work. For instance, Canada’s General
Social Survey on Time Use for 2005 showed that the average Canadian father did 9.9 hours
of paid work and childcare combined each day, half an hour more than the average
mother.During adulthood’s Act Two, I sustain myself with fantasies of an
Act Three. By the time I’m in my early 50s, my youngest children will be in their
mid-teens and will presumably no longer want any contact with me. That is when I want the
third act to begin.The third act of adult life is meant to be Act One minus
all those nights wasted trying to meet nice girls. I imagine it as 20 years of doing
exactly what I want before I’m completely clapped out. In Act Three, I’ll wake
up on weekends and think, “What do I want to do today?” An equally
overburdened friend and I have developed a joint fantasy: When we’re 55, we’ll
go to New Zealand and spend a northern hemispheric winter watching cricket in the sun. No
children allowed. We’ll party until Act Four, when we are clapped out and stuck at
home behind the geraniums waiting for the end.But my fear is that I’ll
never get Act Three. I look at my parents and their friends, now around 70. At that age,
the range of well-being is vast. Some people are clapped out. Some are dead. A few are
enjoying a wonderful third act. I’m praying for Act Three, and if I get it, then a
morning like today will have been just a passing instant adding variety to a rich life.